oh MAN!

Things keep going from bad to worse. I don't want to be the person who smashes peoples dreams but I can't give false hope. I want to, I wish that I could...I mean, not false hope...real hope. I'm not making sense and my head hurts.

I JUST WANT TO BE HAPPY;

and I just want him to be happy!!

I want everyone to be happy, and I feel so junellive saying that but it feels right. At 1:00 in the morning anything can feel right, but I'm horribly sickened to think that I made someone cry. Oh, of course I know I've made people cry but this seems worse somehow.

What do you do when you feel like you're all alone and that there is no one you can rely on? Seriously, what do you do? TELL ME SOMEONE PLEASE BECAUSE I JUST DON'T KNOW.

Why is everything going so wrong? And how do I begin to make things better?

I need ANSWERS. I feel like I'm seeing things blurred. What is real?

And I miss him SO much that it's eating me up inside but THIS IS IT:

"I'm not going down on your memory anymore
I'm not rubbing my face in it anymore
I'm going to yawn
I'm going to stretch
I'm going to put a knitting needle
up my nose
and poke out of my brain
I DON'T WANT TO LOVE YOU FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE.

how could I have doubted?

I had an idea of what I wanted to write today but now that I'm here with this blank page in front of me, I'm not exactly sure. I've been reading more of Leonard Cohen today. I know his poetry very well; it's nice to re visit it. He was supmre in concert last year. He evoked so much love and passion, it was pretty powerful stuff. I'm tired, and sad. A friend of mine told me not to blog about my life as I shouldn't share it. This upset me and now I feel 'naughty' but I don't want to stop blogging. I'm looking at my book shelf right now, it's filled with so many wonderful titles, it makes me feel nice. But also kind of alone; perhaps I'm not making sense. I'm not sure what I'm trying to say.Maybe I should go outside and crack some dead leaves in my hands. Destorying life.