You know, a long time ago being crazy meant something. Nowadays everybody's crazy.
-Charles Manson

there are days when spelling Tuesday simply doesn't count...

“You can't help respecting anybody who can spell TUESDAY, even if he doesn't spell it right; but spelling isn't everything. There are days when spelling Tuesday simply doesn't count. - Winnie the Pooh by A.A Miline

I LOVE Winne The Pooh. I love his wisdom, I love his joy, I love his kindness, I love his compassion, I love his hope, I love his friendship, I love his humor.

I just love Winnie The Pooh. I think he's one of the best characters created. I have so many gorgeously illustrated Winnie the Pooh books. They're so nice to look at it. I remember as a child I used to love it when my dad would read Winnie to me. I was so excited to hear all about his adventures and nearly fifteen years later, I'm just as excited!

big willie style

Fresh Prince of Bel Air!! I love it. I've been watching so much of it lately and just bought the third season. It's such a great show and even though some of the acting is a bit - erm, not the best...it's so funny and it makes me smile. Plus it's fun seeing Will Smith grow as an actor. Will Smith is awesome though. I love his music (probably more than his acting although I love his acting too. Seven Pounds was incredible.) I don't really know why I'm writing about this lol...maybe I just wanted to post a picture of Will. Cause, you know...he's so fine. 

YUMMY.

but grown ups don't always understand.

I don't like it when people say religion controls people's minds and is manipulative. I don't believe that it is. It's not God anyway.

Religion and God are two different things.This is a huge topic and I'm not sure if I can be bothered going into a huge argument/debate, I guess I just want to say this because every day I hear people slamming down the churches every day and I don't think this is right.

Anything that can inspire others to live happily, to feel joy and peace, to smile, to create, give, share and love - well how can that be bad? That's beautiful.That is so beautiful. I want to celebrate that. At the end of the day - religion is about love. At the heart of it - it is love. And we all need love. We all want love. In fact, we are ALL perfect beings of Love. Love is who we are. God is Love. I don't believe in the Bible. I'm not a Christian but when I think about God, Jesus, Buddha...I feel love. And I think that's what it is about.

People use religion, they can use the Bible's words and preach the things that they believe and sometimes these things are negative or demeaning to other people...and they claim that God is speaking through them and I'm not saying he's not. I'm not telling anyone how they feel. All I am saying is God's message is always one of LOVE and that love is non judgmental . It's people who judge people. Not God. It's people who create hatred and war. Not God. God is love.

Love lifts you up. Love brings you to happiness. Love heals you.

I don't believe in Hell either because no God of pure love (and God is PURE love and that is so amazing - that's beyond anything that we can imagine) and this love extends out to every single being in this world WITHOUT judgment. God doesn't judge because he sees beyond everything. He sees your soul and he doesn't believe in bad people.

I guess I just want there to be more respect. We don't have to agree with everyone. Of course we don't, and we can't. That's impossible. So we have to realize it's OKAY not to do. We don't have to like everyone and we don't have to get along with everyone. There is no way we're going to. So let's let that go. Stop feeling guilt about it, stop forcing ourselves to feel a way we don't feel because ultimately that just makes things worse. But what we can do is recognize the fact that we don't get along with everyone (or agree with their beliefs) and say 'HEY, THAT'S OKAY.' You don't have to like them - but you do need to respect them. Or at least - be respectful. Be polite, be kind....treat others the way you would like to be treated. Now I know that phrase is so over used but how true is it? At the end of the day, everyone wants to feel loved...every single being. Treat others the way you would like to be treated and we all will feel happier. It takes more energy to be angry/mean anyway and in the end, it's only doing you more harm.

I'm not trying to preach and it probably sounds like I am but I just wish, I really do wish that people were nicer to each other.

We're not good to each other and that makes me sad. Bukowski wrote a brilliant poem about this called 'The Crunch."

too much too little

too fat
too thin
or nobody.

laughter or
tears

haters
lovers

strangers with faces like
the backs of
thumb tacks

armies running through
streets of blood
waving winebottles
bayoneting and fucking
virgins.

an old guy in a cheap room
with a photograph of M. Monroe.

there is a loneliness in this world so great
that you can see it in the slow movement of
the hands of a clock

people so tired
mutilated
either by love or no love.

people just are not good to each other
one on one.

the rich are not good to the rich
the poor are not good to the poor.

we are afraid.

our educational system tells us
that we can all be
big-ass winners

it hasn't told us
about the gutters
or the suicides.

or the terror of one person
aching in one place
alone

untouched
unspoken to

watering a plant.

people are not good to each other.
people are not good to each other.
people are not good to each other.

I suppose they never will be.
I don't ask them to be.

but sometimes I think about
it.

the beads will swing
the clouds will cloud
and the killer will behead the child
like taking a bite out of an ice cream cone.

too much
too little

too fat
too thin
or nobody

more haters than lovers.

people are not good to each other.
perhaps if they were
our deaths would not be so sad.

meanwhile I look at young girls
stems
flowers of chance.

there must be a way.

surely there must be a way that we have not yet
though of.

who put this brain inside of me?

it cries
it demands
it says that there is a chance.

it will not say
"no." 

- Charles Bukowski 

I love it. 

sheep understand things other fellow beans often can't.

So much for writing in here every day. It's been a week. Not a good week either. I could go into details and maybe I should but all anyone who knows me needs to know is that I am heartbroken. I miss him more and more every single day and I don't want to write any more about it.

I want to go back in time.

But I can't. I am here and maybe one day I will be thankful that I am here and I will be grateful for what I have which really is a hell of a lot...but...it's so hard to be grateful for what we have until it is taken away. That's the truth and I would like to think that I apperatice the good fortune and richness that is around me but I don't know if I do. I am always thinking about changing my life up, pushing to get somewhere else...to be someone else, to wear my hair differently, to go on a diet, work out at the gym, buy new clothes...but I don't seem to take the time to actually stop and smell the roses. It may sound lame but hell, it's true. We're so busy wanting more that we don't even look at what we have.

I'm aware of this in me and I don't want to live my life this way but I don't know how not to. I'm selfish and maybe a little vain. I let things take over my life. I let things escalate and then explode and then I wonder why is everything in my life falling apart? I do it to myself but I don't mean to and I don't know how to stop. I want to live my life without guilt, without doubts, without pain and clearly that's what we all want but I feel like I spent every day obsessing over some dumb little thing I said once to someone and did it affect them and if so, how? But the thing is...do I actually care about that person or I am just trying to make myself feel better?

I'm not even a people person. I shy away from large crowds and I would rather sit in a cafe lounge with a good book and a chai latte. But this wasn't always the case. I used to like people. I remember enjoying a night out, a party with friends, trips away...I used to like being around my friends and talking to them. Then something happened. I don't know. I can't pinpoint it but I suppose it was because someone hurt me and hurt me a great deal. Maybe it was Robbie. I don't know if it was though. I think it goes further back. Ehab and the online abuse? Maybe. Further back again? Kathleen Swell and Katelyn Cross? It's funny how those names can come back to you when you think you've forgotten them and suddenly you're seeing their faces once more, hearing those words and feeling the hurt all over again... People make people afraid of people. Fear is at the bottom of everything. Hatred comes out of fear. Pain comes out of fear.We're all afraid of something. I have some brilliant quotes from Michael on fear that I will post when I find them.

'Push' by Sapphire.

I don't know if any of you have read it but if you haven't, I think you should. I don't know how I feel about it. It's amazing. I knew it was amazing before I even read it. It touched me. It's touching me every day. I don't want to tell you what it's about...I just think you should read it. It's my story even though none of the events in it have exactly happened to me. But it tells a real story...a brutal, harrowing, painful, hopeful story and it's happening every day. I want to thank Sapphire for writing it. And I also want to say...rape, abuse...sexual, physical, mental or emotional, racism, violence, hatred, homelessness, hunger, war...it belongs to all of us. We can heal the world. We can. If, as MJ said, 'we all cry at the same time tonight..."

Good morning...

7:53 AM exactly as I write this. Is my head about to fall off my shoulders and into a large pot of soup? Very possibly. The morning and I do not agree. (Where is a large pot of soup coming from anyway? Let's make it creamy pumpkin)
I am awaiting three packages in the mail and I'm pretty sure that two of them will come this week! I am excited...I love packages full of goodies. I will document what is in them when I get them for now sadly, miserably...hopelessly I have to get ready for work..

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

queens and kings, cabbages and sailors...

I have tried (unsuccessfully!) to start a proper blog for years now but I cannot seem to commit. I try to - I have it all worked out in my mind...I plan out everything I'm going to say, detailed with the jazzy pictures I am going to add and it all looks so exciting, fresh and enticing...but somehow it never happens. I write every single day in my diary so it would make sense that I should start a blog diary type thing that others would read (but then again, who would want to read my rambles?) but I just can't seem to do it and stick at it. Oh I'm computer savvy...I know my way around the internet. Maybe I'm just lazy...although that's a cop out because I know that I am not. Maybe I just like the IDEA of a blog where I sound intelligent, whimsical and literary. That is probably it actually. However I'm here now, trying once more to make this blog thing work...so hold my hand and help me walk through the flames that are curling up my legs...

I have decided to name this blog 'my Blue castle' as an ode to L.M Montgomery's book 'The Blue Castle' and because I believe it speaks volumes about who I am as a person. I love fairy tales. I love old fashioned values. I love kings and queens. I love pretty frocks and nice hair. I am forever searching for my own blue castle. I always turn to this book when I need a pick me up. It lifts my spirits. It's so magical and it's just so...so...god damm nice. I like Valancy maybe because she reminds me of myself....? It's not even my favorite L.M Montgomery book. My favorite is 'Anne of Green Gables' and I don't mind being thought of as unoriginal or boring for saying that because I truly love this book with all my heart. More so though, I love ANNE with all my heart and I have ever since I was about five years old. We are kindred spirits. I love L.M Montgomery for creating her.

I'm tired and I feel like there is smoke drifting in front of my eyes. I don't think this entry will be very long but I am going to make sure I write something in here at least once a day...

That is the plan anyway.Who knows though. I am not very good at sticking to plans and schedules.

I have tea by my side. I love tea (very strong, half a teaspoon of brown sugar and a dash of milk) An old friend accused me of trying to be quirky by having brown sugar in my tea but honestly I'm not trying to be quirky or cute. It really does taste better. I absolutely love tea. I have so many different flavors in my cupboards that never fail to delight me. A friend just sent me a wonderful new kind of tea. I'm not exactly sure what it is but it tastes delicious! It's got bits of plum and peach strewn about it. I love it. I'm chilling some of it right now. Yum.

Goodnight princes and princess (for you all are you know)