oh MAN!

Things keep going from bad to worse. I don't want to be the person who smashes peoples dreams but I can't give false hope. I want to, I wish that I could...I mean, not false hope...real hope. I'm not making sense and my head hurts.

I JUST WANT TO BE HAPPY;

and I just want him to be happy!!

I want everyone to be happy, and I feel so junellive saying that but it feels right. At 1:00 in the morning anything can feel right, but I'm horribly sickened to think that I made someone cry. Oh, of course I know I've made people cry but this seems worse somehow.

What do you do when you feel like you're all alone and that there is no one you can rely on? Seriously, what do you do? TELL ME SOMEONE PLEASE BECAUSE I JUST DON'T KNOW.

Why is everything going so wrong? And how do I begin to make things better?

I need ANSWERS. I feel like I'm seeing things blurred. What is real?

And I miss him SO much that it's eating me up inside but THIS IS IT:

"I'm not going down on your memory anymore
I'm not rubbing my face in it anymore
I'm going to yawn
I'm going to stretch
I'm going to put a knitting needle
up my nose
and poke out of my brain
I DON'T WANT TO LOVE YOU FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE.

how could I have doubted?

I had an idea of what I wanted to write today but now that I'm here with this blank page in front of me, I'm not exactly sure. I've been reading more of Leonard Cohen today. I know his poetry very well; it's nice to re visit it. He was supmre in concert last year. He evoked so much love and passion, it was pretty powerful stuff. I'm tired, and sad. A friend of mine told me not to blog about my life as I shouldn't share it. This upset me and now I feel 'naughty' but I don't want to stop blogging. I'm looking at my book shelf right now, it's filled with so many wonderful titles, it makes me feel nice. But also kind of alone; perhaps I'm not making sense. I'm not sure what I'm trying to say.Maybe I should go outside and crack some dead leaves in my hands. Destorying life.

chairs have feelings too;

THE CHAIR.

"The chair creaked and moaned. If it could have gotten up and walked away, it would have. A huge, rounded bottom planted itself down. The chair groaned inwardly and wondered if there was any hope for its future. The bottom wiggled. A hand went down and scratched. The underwear was tangled. The hand pulled and snapped. The chair continued to sigh."

"I knew that I was...well, er...robust in figure. I liked pork chops and apple sauce, and I wasn't opposed to a glass of cherry with my dinner every so often,. It was no wonder I had such difficulty finding chairs that agreed with my shape. I found the seats at weddings the worst. The chairs were too small, and covered in seemingly pointless white cloth with stupid ribbons laced throughout. And it did seem to me that the chair I was sitting on today did not appear to like me."

"You. Yes, you with the king sized bottom. You are ruining my snowflake good looks. You are crude and there is not a hint of elegance about you. You do not belong. Look at you shoveling m&m's into your mouth when you think no one can see you. Do you not think you could afford to shed a few pounds? Have you ever stepped inside a gym? OH, come on...you are spilling coca cola all over my white, pristine daintiness. ENOUGH, ENOUGH. If you will not get up, I will make you get up.

Crushes are fun!

Crushes are fun! As long as they stay that way; crushes.

They're unimportant and insignificant (although I may change my mind on this) In fact, I probably just did. 

I am crushing on about two dozen people at the moment. It's so very light and fluffy. Funny that I can crush on one person and be completely head over heels in love with another? Not really, because crushing just means that I feel a connection to someone, that I want to get to know them better, or that...outwardly, they're totally friggin' cute! I mean, there is one man whose name I am obviously not going to disclose - who has the most loveliest smile. When he smiles at me I feel like I'm floating. I love those kind of smiles. Let' say...imagine right, this man asks me out. Would I say yes? I'm quite sure that I would in a flurried heat of the moment 'your smile makes me floaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat' type thing....but then...?

I don't know how to date! Not properly. Tell me, how is it done? No - waaaait...please don't. Because I abhor those 'how to date' self help manuals. They fill your head with garbage and lower your self esteem and HEY...I THINK MY SELF ESTEEM IS LOW ENOUGH THANKS. I already feel inadequate as it is. Do I really want to spend my (imaginary) date trying to remember 'important lessons' from my dating manual and in the process...making a complete and utter fool of myself! You know, repeating stupid catch phrases, stumbling and stuttering, talking way too much to make up for my lack of confidence, and laughing foolish until my date is staring at me across our dinner of roasted eggplants and pumpkins seeds (??), with a puzzled expression on his face...wishing fervently that he had picked up that blonde hottie he had eyed at the bus station. You see, I just don't need it. 

Back to this man though. He is awfully cute. I'm glad that I can float up to space with his smile and he need never know it. 

Love? I totally feel right now that:

LOVE IS FOR SUCKERS.*

* Immature? Totally. 

Do'h!

Yesterday I said I was a warrior but I don't feel much like one presently. Maybe it's the song I am listening to (A Thousand Miles by Vanessa Carlton) because songs do that; change your moods swiftly before you even know what you're really feeling. I'm so confused and I'm so awkward...all the time. Even when I'm trying not to be. I'm hopelessly shy and I don't like talking so how am I ever going to meet someone? And yet I've been asked on three dates since the break up which just seems, weird...and wrong? I'm flattered. I like it when people say nice things about me. Of course I do. We all do. And I want to say yes but that's only really because I feel lonely and I want someone to love me.

And even if I go...well, what's going to happen? It's too soon. It will be a month next Wednesday. Isn't that odd? Three weeks ago I would have said (In fact, I probably did) that I could never live a whole month without Louis and yet it seems that I very nearly have. It strikes me as half crazy that I'm still here and that I am okay. I am okay. What does that even mean??

It means I can eat again, it means I can read again, it means I don't cry every time I think about him. But then - I'm not really okay. I'm okay enough, I guess. I'm okay to get through the day and probably the next. I'm still hurting though, a lot. I'm glad I don't harbor any hatred or ill feelings. I couldn't stand that. And really, I easily could (be filled with anger, I mean) There are lots of things I could be vengeful about and he knows it. But I'm not. I'm just not. It's not even that I love him, although I do. It's more that I don't need to hold onto resentment. What purpose could that serve me? I want to look back on everything we shared with fondness. Because he taught me so much, he helped me to grow and to love. He really did. We had three WONDERFUL years of love and I think that is amazing. I think what we had was/is amazing and I still don't see why it had to end but it did, and maybe one day I will understand.

I wish I didn't feel so sad. I miss talking to him but at the same time it kind of makes sense. I don't know what I mean. I just want him to be happy. I hope he is, he deserves to be...so much. And so do I.

I love The Simpsons. I can watch the same episode over and over in one night. Sad eh? But I just love it. It makes me feel safe, comforted and like everything is going (if not yet) to be okay. My favorite character changes all the time.  It might be Homer one day!

Because you just can't not love this adorable, fat, balding, crude, selfish, pompous, rude, lustful, sinful ball of fat! He's so cute. Possibly the cutest animated anti hero to ever grace our screens...(Hero? Grace? Cute? WHAT?)

Or Ned! Well, he's a little bit too nice but I like the way his voice chirps a long. I like his stupid catch phrases and I enjoy his preaching.

Or...Mr. Burns. What a monster. And yet underneath it all he's so human. He's weak and frail and he needs love just like the rest of us.

I guess you could say we all are Homers, Neds and Mr. Burns's rolled into one. Or you could tell me to shut up and tell me that I watch too much telly but actually I really don't.

My fingers are cold and I had planned on watching MasterChef (HAHA, and I don't watch a lot of telly...) but it's an hour in so I couldn't turn it on now. Back to my freezing hands - they are SO cold it hurts to type.

So enough. Here's a nice (objective) picture to look at.

But is it really?

WARRIOR.

"Whatever gets you thru the night, it's alright...it's alright."

OKAY! Bam. Wham.

I am feeling strong currently. Like a warrior. BAM. Of LOVE. *What? Did she say love?*

YEAH, I SAID LOVE. Love is great.

Haha, the way I wrote that makes me lol but come on folks, it's true! Love IS great.

I'm never going to stop believing in love. I wanted to. But love is everywhere and you can't avoid it. Why try to? WHY would you WANT to? Love is what gets you through your life.

Yeah. It is. You have to lover (Lover, that was a typeo but I like it. LOVER YOURSELF) yourself and you have to be able to say that you are....wonderful. Because you know what? You totally are.

I feel kind of drunk on love right now. Which is funny (but not ha ha) because the one person I love with all my heart does NOT love me. But I'm GOING to love MYSELF.

Back off the caps Kitty!

Dunno how I'm going to get there but I'll get there.

And I'm going to look forward to my trip to Canada AND I'm going to meet some awesome, yummy man and have lots of great conversations and we might even go DANCING. And I'll swing my hair about and we'll be in the light. You hear that? There's gonna be a whole lot of light!!!

Don't be mistaken, I'm not exactly happy but I've come to the conclusion that I am going to be happy. Or as Drop Dead Fred says "get happy."

Yes I miss Louis so much right now my heart aches but I'm going to work through that ache and hey - I will work through it.

YEAH..

WARRIOR KITTY.

"He was a killing machine. Well, he wasn't really. He couldn't hurt a fly. But he liked to watch horror movies and he loved dressing up for Halloween. I met him while I was buying milk. We stood in the line together. I was clutching low fat milk, he held full cream. Despite our differences, we fell in love."