chairs have feelings too;

THE CHAIR.

"The chair creaked and moaned. If it could have gotten up and walked away, it would have. A huge, rounded bottom planted itself down. The chair groaned inwardly and wondered if there was any hope for its future. The bottom wiggled. A hand went down and scratched. The underwear was tangled. The hand pulled and snapped. The chair continued to sigh."

"I knew that I was...well, er...robust in figure. I liked pork chops and apple sauce, and I wasn't opposed to a glass of cherry with my dinner every so often,. It was no wonder I had such difficulty finding chairs that agreed with my shape. I found the seats at weddings the worst. The chairs were too small, and covered in seemingly pointless white cloth with stupid ribbons laced throughout. And it did seem to me that the chair I was sitting on today did not appear to like me."

"You. Yes, you with the king sized bottom. You are ruining my snowflake good looks. You are crude and there is not a hint of elegance about you. You do not belong. Look at you shoveling m&m's into your mouth when you think no one can see you. Do you not think you could afford to shed a few pounds? Have you ever stepped inside a gym? OH, come on...you are spilling coca cola all over my white, pristine daintiness. ENOUGH, ENOUGH. If you will not get up, I will make you get up.