chairs have feelings too;

THE CHAIR.

"The chair creaked and moaned. If it could have gotten up and walked away, it would have. A huge, rounded bottom planted itself down. The chair groaned inwardly and wondered if there was any hope for its future. The bottom wiggled. A hand went down and scratched. The underwear was tangled. The hand pulled and snapped. The chair continued to sigh."

"I knew that I was...well, er...robust in figure. I liked pork chops and apple sauce, and I wasn't opposed to a glass of cherry with my dinner every so often,. It was no wonder I had such difficulty finding chairs that agreed with my shape. I found the seats at weddings the worst. The chairs were too small, and covered in seemingly pointless white cloth with stupid ribbons laced throughout. And it did seem to me that the chair I was sitting on today did not appear to like me."

"You. Yes, you with the king sized bottom. You are ruining my snowflake good looks. You are crude and there is not a hint of elegance about you. You do not belong. Look at you shoveling m&m's into your mouth when you think no one can see you. Do you not think you could afford to shed a few pounds? Have you ever stepped inside a gym? OH, come on...you are spilling coca cola all over my white, pristine daintiness. ENOUGH, ENOUGH. If you will not get up, I will make you get up.

Crushes are fun!

Crushes are fun! As long as they stay that way; crushes.

They're unimportant and insignificant (although I may change my mind on this) In fact, I probably just did. 

I am crushing on about two dozen people at the moment. It's so very light and fluffy. Funny that I can crush on one person and be completely head over heels in love with another? Not really, because crushing just means that I feel a connection to someone, that I want to get to know them better, or that...outwardly, they're totally friggin' cute! I mean, there is one man whose name I am obviously not going to disclose - who has the most loveliest smile. When he smiles at me I feel like I'm floating. I love those kind of smiles. Let' say...imagine right, this man asks me out. Would I say yes? I'm quite sure that I would in a flurried heat of the moment 'your smile makes me floaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat' type thing....but then...?

I don't know how to date! Not properly. Tell me, how is it done? No - waaaait...please don't. Because I abhor those 'how to date' self help manuals. They fill your head with garbage and lower your self esteem and HEY...I THINK MY SELF ESTEEM IS LOW ENOUGH THANKS. I already feel inadequate as it is. Do I really want to spend my (imaginary) date trying to remember 'important lessons' from my dating manual and in the process...making a complete and utter fool of myself! You know, repeating stupid catch phrases, stumbling and stuttering, talking way too much to make up for my lack of confidence, and laughing foolish until my date is staring at me across our dinner of roasted eggplants and pumpkins seeds (??), with a puzzled expression on his face...wishing fervently that he had picked up that blonde hottie he had eyed at the bus station. You see, I just don't need it. 

Back to this man though. He is awfully cute. I'm glad that I can float up to space with his smile and he need never know it. 

Love? I totally feel right now that:

LOVE IS FOR SUCKERS.*

* Immature? Totally. 

Do'h!

Yesterday I said I was a warrior but I don't feel much like one presently. Maybe it's the song I am listening to (A Thousand Miles by Vanessa Carlton) because songs do that; change your moods swiftly before you even know what you're really feeling. I'm so confused and I'm so awkward...all the time. Even when I'm trying not to be. I'm hopelessly shy and I don't like talking so how am I ever going to meet someone? And yet I've been asked on three dates since the break up which just seems, weird...and wrong? I'm flattered. I like it when people say nice things about me. Of course I do. We all do. And I want to say yes but that's only really because I feel lonely and I want someone to love me.

And even if I go...well, what's going to happen? It's too soon. It will be a month next Wednesday. Isn't that odd? Three weeks ago I would have said (In fact, I probably did) that I could never live a whole month without Louis and yet it seems that I very nearly have. It strikes me as half crazy that I'm still here and that I am okay. I am okay. What does that even mean??

It means I can eat again, it means I can read again, it means I don't cry every time I think about him. But then - I'm not really okay. I'm okay enough, I guess. I'm okay to get through the day and probably the next. I'm still hurting though, a lot. I'm glad I don't harbor any hatred or ill feelings. I couldn't stand that. And really, I easily could (be filled with anger, I mean) There are lots of things I could be vengeful about and he knows it. But I'm not. I'm just not. It's not even that I love him, although I do. It's more that I don't need to hold onto resentment. What purpose could that serve me? I want to look back on everything we shared with fondness. Because he taught me so much, he helped me to grow and to love. He really did. We had three WONDERFUL years of love and I think that is amazing. I think what we had was/is amazing and I still don't see why it had to end but it did, and maybe one day I will understand.

I wish I didn't feel so sad. I miss talking to him but at the same time it kind of makes sense. I don't know what I mean. I just want him to be happy. I hope he is, he deserves to be...so much. And so do I.

I love The Simpsons. I can watch the same episode over and over in one night. Sad eh? But I just love it. It makes me feel safe, comforted and like everything is going (if not yet) to be okay. My favorite character changes all the time.  It might be Homer one day!

Because you just can't not love this adorable, fat, balding, crude, selfish, pompous, rude, lustful, sinful ball of fat! He's so cute. Possibly the cutest animated anti hero to ever grace our screens...(Hero? Grace? Cute? WHAT?)

Or Ned! Well, he's a little bit too nice but I like the way his voice chirps a long. I like his stupid catch phrases and I enjoy his preaching.

Or...Mr. Burns. What a monster. And yet underneath it all he's so human. He's weak and frail and he needs love just like the rest of us.

I guess you could say we all are Homers, Neds and Mr. Burns's rolled into one. Or you could tell me to shut up and tell me that I watch too much telly but actually I really don't.

My fingers are cold and I had planned on watching MasterChef (HAHA, and I don't watch a lot of telly...) but it's an hour in so I couldn't turn it on now. Back to my freezing hands - they are SO cold it hurts to type.

So enough. Here's a nice (objective) picture to look at.

But is it really?

WARRIOR.

"Whatever gets you thru the night, it's alright...it's alright."

OKAY! Bam. Wham.

I am feeling strong currently. Like a warrior. BAM. Of LOVE. *What? Did she say love?*

YEAH, I SAID LOVE. Love is great.

Haha, the way I wrote that makes me lol but come on folks, it's true! Love IS great.

I'm never going to stop believing in love. I wanted to. But love is everywhere and you can't avoid it. Why try to? WHY would you WANT to? Love is what gets you through your life.

Yeah. It is. You have to lover (Lover, that was a typeo but I like it. LOVER YOURSELF) yourself and you have to be able to say that you are....wonderful. Because you know what? You totally are.

I feel kind of drunk on love right now. Which is funny (but not ha ha) because the one person I love with all my heart does NOT love me. But I'm GOING to love MYSELF.

Back off the caps Kitty!

Dunno how I'm going to get there but I'll get there.

And I'm going to look forward to my trip to Canada AND I'm going to meet some awesome, yummy man and have lots of great conversations and we might even go DANCING. And I'll swing my hair about and we'll be in the light. You hear that? There's gonna be a whole lot of light!!!

Don't be mistaken, I'm not exactly happy but I've come to the conclusion that I am going to be happy. Or as Drop Dead Fred says "get happy."

Yes I miss Louis so much right now my heart aches but I'm going to work through that ache and hey - I will work through it.

YEAH..

WARRIOR KITTY.

"He was a killing machine. Well, he wasn't really. He couldn't hurt a fly. But he liked to watch horror movies and he loved dressing up for Halloween. I met him while I was buying milk. We stood in the line together. I was clutching low fat milk, he held full cream. Despite our differences, we fell in love."

oh dear;

I don't like sounding melodramatic and I think I often do. I try to tell it from my heart but maybe my heart is just very melodramatic.

If I'm being honest everything hurts. I'm in love with someone who doesn't love me back. People used to tell me that this was the worst feeling in the world but I never really believed them. I was wrong. It IS the worst feeling in the world.

"It's like...it's my heart that hurts but my actual heart is the only thing that doesn't hurt. Heartache, it's not where it's supposed to be. It hurts your arms, your legs, your feet, your hands, your face and in particular...your stomach. It's empty. All the time." 

I feel pathetic. I feel like one of those stupid school girls whose heart has been "broken" but not really broken. Do you know what I mean? I care too much about outward appearances. The thing is, I'm NOT one of those school girls whose heart has been 'broken'. It really has been broken. I don't want to love him. No, that's a lie. I can't imagine not loving him.

"If I could fall
Into the sky
Do you think time
Would pass me by
'Cause you know I'd walk
A thousand miles
If I could
Just see you
If I could
Just hold you
Tonight"

When he told me it was over I cried. And then I threw up. And then I begged him to stay. I told him I'd be better, that I'd change. He told me I was perfect the way I was but he didn't love me anymore.

I didn't understand. I don't understand. We were together for three years. How can someone just fall out of love like that?

I went into hysterics. I cried so hard my face went numb. I couldn't swallow anything. I really felt like I was going to die.

Melodramatic? YES. But, who cares?

We hugged goodbye. I didn't want to let go. Now everywhere I look something reminds me of him. Every memory of the last three years I have is connected to him. I know he didn't want to hurt me but he did. My heart is filled with so much pain and grief and I feel like I can't breath. I almost don't want to breath. I just want him back but here's the thing - he's not coming back so I need to stop loving him. HOW?, how do I do that? How do you stop loving the most amazing person you ever known? And will there ever be someone else you can love? Date? It just seems bizarre to even consider being with someone else.

"If someone said three years from now
You'd be long gone
I'd stand up and punch them out

Cause they're all wrong

And that last kiss I'll cherish
Until we meet again
And time makes it harder
I wish I could remember"

I want to be his friend. He wants to be friends. But we can't ever be friends. How could we?, when I still love him with every beat of my heart? When I would look at him and long to kiss his beautiful, soft lips? I can't stand the thought of him being with someone else! Kissing someone else, holding someone else, LOVING someone else but it's going to happen....maybe not now, but one day...

It's going to fucking happen and how is that fair? HOW IS THAT FAIR? I love him! I'll be anyone he wants, anything he wants - if he would just love me.

"You’re the only one I wish I could forget
The only one I’d love enough to not forgive
And though you break my heart, you’re the only one
And though there are times when I hate you
Cause I can’t erase
The times that you hurt me
And put tears on my face
And even now while I hate you
It pains me to say
I know I’ll be there at the end of the day"

Everything is so wrong. I don't want to let this go. I don't want to move on because that would mean living in a world without Louis and how could I exist in such a world?

I wonder if he's even thinking about me. I can't believe this. :(

"You don't realize how much I need you.
Love you all the time and never leave you.
Please come on back to me.
I'm lonely as can be. I need you.

Said you had a thing or two to tell me.
How was I to know you would upset me?
I didn't realize as I looked in your eyes...
You told me.

Oh yes, you told me, you don't want my lovin' anymore.
That's when it hurt me.
And feeling like this, I just can't go on anymore.

Please remember how I feel about you, I could never really live without you.
So, come on back and see just what you mean to me.
I need you.

But when you told me, you don't want my lovin' anymore.
That's when it hurt me.
And feeling like this, I just can't go on anymore.
Please remember how I feel about you.
I could never really live without you.
So, come on back and see just what you mean to me.
I need you. I need you. I need you."

"Life is pain, life is fear, and man is unhappy. Now all is pain and fear. Now man loves life because he loves pain and fear. That's how they've made it. Life now is given in exchange for pain and fear, and that is the whole deceit. Man now is not yet the right man. There will be a new man, happy and proud. He for whom it will make no difference whether he lives or does not live, he will be the new man. He who overcomes pain and fear will himself be God. And this [current] God will not be.
But do you understand, I cry to him, do you understand that along with happiness, in the exact same way and in perfectly equal proportion, man also needs unhappiness!"

what!?

I didn't think my heart could be broken again. But it has been. I don't know how to write this, I don't what is what. Everything around me is so blurry and I feel dizzy, ill, sick with pain and grief but for some reason and I don't think I will ever understand Louis does not love me anymore and there is nothing I can do about it. I want to write the pain away but I don't think even writing can help me. I wish I could crawl away into a hole and simply...die. I feel like dying. I don't know how to do this. I don't know how to live without him by side and in my life....but I have to. I fucking have to. For some fucking reason I have to keep breathing, I have to keep moving, walking, working and being and I don't know how to fucking do that. I want to call him but I can't. I can't make him love me. He was hugging me as we said goodbye and I didn't want to let go. How could I let go? How can I let go? I can never let go. But I have to let go. I have to. I can't. I really can't. I love him. Jesus Christ I love him but love is shit, love don't mean shit and my heart aches so much and I want to run away but running away won't make him love me and how the fuck can he not love me anymore?? How the fuck is this real? I feel like I'm living in a nightmare, I'm fucking trapped and I want to die I want to die I want to die I don't want to live without him I can't fucking live without him

why god why why why wnbwqejbfrwhkGBAsdhkfgB.df

why should anyone be frightened by a hat?

I want everything to touch my soul. I love classical music. I love the way it makes me feel as it slides through my bones and up my body. It' so rich, warm and compelling. I wish I could make such music but I'm not gifted like that. I can play guitar and I work hard at it but I'll never be anything special. That's okay. I'm listening to the Little Women soundtrack at the moment and I love the way it melts into me. It just seems to find a perfect place in me and it makes me feel alive. It makes me want to flourish like a flower, to dance into the beauty and wilderness of the night, to eject something fresh and sparkling out onto the streets and then dance...dance...dance until my feet can no longer touch the ground.