what!?

I didn't think my heart could be broken again. But it has been. I don't know how to write this, I don't what is what. Everything around me is so blurry and I feel dizzy, ill, sick with pain and grief but for some reason and I don't think I will ever understand Louis does not love me anymore and there is nothing I can do about it. I want to write the pain away but I don't think even writing can help me. I wish I could crawl away into a hole and simply...die. I feel like dying. I don't know how to do this. I don't know how to live without him by side and in my life....but I have to. I fucking have to. For some fucking reason I have to keep breathing, I have to keep moving, walking, working and being and I don't know how to fucking do that. I want to call him but I can't. I can't make him love me. He was hugging me as we said goodbye and I didn't want to let go. How could I let go? How can I let go? I can never let go. But I have to let go. I have to. I can't. I really can't. I love him. Jesus Christ I love him but love is shit, love don't mean shit and my heart aches so much and I want to run away but running away won't make him love me and how the fuck can he not love me anymore?? How the fuck is this real? I feel like I'm living in a nightmare, I'm fucking trapped and I want to die I want to die I want to die I don't want to live without him I can't fucking live without him

why god why why why wnbwqejbfrwhkGBAsdhkfgB.df