sheep understand things other fellow beans often can't.

So much for writing in here every day. It's been a week. Not a good week either. I could go into details and maybe I should but all anyone who knows me needs to know is that I am heartbroken. I miss him more and more every single day and I don't want to write any more about it.

I want to go back in time.

But I can't. I am here and maybe one day I will be thankful that I am here and I will be grateful for what I have which really is a hell of a lot...but...it's so hard to be grateful for what we have until it is taken away. That's the truth and I would like to think that I apperatice the good fortune and richness that is around me but I don't know if I do. I am always thinking about changing my life up, pushing to get somewhere else...to be someone else, to wear my hair differently, to go on a diet, work out at the gym, buy new clothes...but I don't seem to take the time to actually stop and smell the roses. It may sound lame but hell, it's true. We're so busy wanting more that we don't even look at what we have.

I'm aware of this in me and I don't want to live my life this way but I don't know how not to. I'm selfish and maybe a little vain. I let things take over my life. I let things escalate and then explode and then I wonder why is everything in my life falling apart? I do it to myself but I don't mean to and I don't know how to stop. I want to live my life without guilt, without doubts, without pain and clearly that's what we all want but I feel like I spent every day obsessing over some dumb little thing I said once to someone and did it affect them and if so, how? But the thing is...do I actually care about that person or I am just trying to make myself feel better?

I'm not even a people person. I shy away from large crowds and I would rather sit in a cafe lounge with a good book and a chai latte. But this wasn't always the case. I used to like people. I remember enjoying a night out, a party with friends, trips away...I used to like being around my friends and talking to them. Then something happened. I don't know. I can't pinpoint it but I suppose it was because someone hurt me and hurt me a great deal. Maybe it was Robbie. I don't know if it was though. I think it goes further back. Ehab and the online abuse? Maybe. Further back again? Kathleen Swell and Katelyn Cross? It's funny how those names can come back to you when you think you've forgotten them and suddenly you're seeing their faces once more, hearing those words and feeling the hurt all over again... People make people afraid of people. Fear is at the bottom of everything. Hatred comes out of fear. Pain comes out of fear.We're all afraid of something. I have some brilliant quotes from Michael on fear that I will post when I find them.

'Push' by Sapphire.

I don't know if any of you have read it but if you haven't, I think you should. I don't know how I feel about it. It's amazing. I knew it was amazing before I even read it. It touched me. It's touching me every day. I don't want to tell you what it's about...I just think you should read it. It's my story even though none of the events in it have exactly happened to me. But it tells a real story...a brutal, harrowing, painful, hopeful story and it's happening every day. I want to thank Sapphire for writing it. And I also want to say...rape, abuse...sexual, physical, mental or emotional, racism, violence, hatred, homelessness, hunger, war...it belongs to all of us. We can heal the world. We can. If, as MJ said, 'we all cry at the same time tonight..."