Do'h!

Yesterday I said I was a warrior but I don't feel much like one presently. Maybe it's the song I am listening to (A Thousand Miles by Vanessa Carlton) because songs do that; change your moods swiftly before you even know what you're really feeling. I'm so confused and I'm so awkward...all the time. Even when I'm trying not to be. I'm hopelessly shy and I don't like talking so how am I ever going to meet someone? And yet I've been asked on three dates since the break up which just seems, weird...and wrong? I'm flattered. I like it when people say nice things about me. Of course I do. We all do. And I want to say yes but that's only really because I feel lonely and I want someone to love me.

And even if I go...well, what's going to happen? It's too soon. It will be a month next Wednesday. Isn't that odd? Three weeks ago I would have said (In fact, I probably did) that I could never live a whole month without Louis and yet it seems that I very nearly have. It strikes me as half crazy that I'm still here and that I am okay. I am okay. What does that even mean??

It means I can eat again, it means I can read again, it means I don't cry every time I think about him. But then - I'm not really okay. I'm okay enough, I guess. I'm okay to get through the day and probably the next. I'm still hurting though, a lot. I'm glad I don't harbor any hatred or ill feelings. I couldn't stand that. And really, I easily could (be filled with anger, I mean) There are lots of things I could be vengeful about and he knows it. But I'm not. I'm just not. It's not even that I love him, although I do. It's more that I don't need to hold onto resentment. What purpose could that serve me? I want to look back on everything we shared with fondness. Because he taught me so much, he helped me to grow and to love. He really did. We had three WONDERFUL years of love and I think that is amazing. I think what we had was/is amazing and I still don't see why it had to end but it did, and maybe one day I will understand.

I wish I didn't feel so sad. I miss talking to him but at the same time it kind of makes sense. I don't know what I mean. I just want him to be happy. I hope he is, he deserves to be...so much. And so do I.

I love The Simpsons. I can watch the same episode over and over in one night. Sad eh? But I just love it. It makes me feel safe, comforted and like everything is going (if not yet) to be okay. My favorite character changes all the time.  It might be Homer one day!

Because you just can't not love this adorable, fat, balding, crude, selfish, pompous, rude, lustful, sinful ball of fat! He's so cute. Possibly the cutest animated anti hero to ever grace our screens...(Hero? Grace? Cute? WHAT?)

Or Ned! Well, he's a little bit too nice but I like the way his voice chirps a long. I like his stupid catch phrases and I enjoy his preaching.

Or...Mr. Burns. What a monster. And yet underneath it all he's so human. He's weak and frail and he needs love just like the rest of us.

I guess you could say we all are Homers, Neds and Mr. Burns's rolled into one. Or you could tell me to shut up and tell me that I watch too much telly but actually I really don't.

My fingers are cold and I had planned on watching MasterChef (HAHA, and I don't watch a lot of telly...) but it's an hour in so I couldn't turn it on now. Back to my freezing hands - they are SO cold it hurts to type.

So enough. Here's a nice (objective) picture to look at.

But is it really?